A Humorous Dialogue in the Roman Senate, Circa 250 AD: “The Jesus Conundrum, Romanized”
(Scene: The grand Curia Julia in Rome, under the reign of Emperor Decius. The air is thick with incense and toga sweat. Emperor Decius paces before senators, including the pompous Senator Maximus and the sly Senator Flavius, who are munching on olives and grapes, because what else do Romans do? A bust of Jupiter glares from the corner. The debate about the pesky Christian sect has reached a fever pitch.)
Emperor Decius: (slamming his fist on a marble table, splashing wine) By Jupiter’s beard, senators! This Jesus problem is out of control! Dead for over two centuries, yet his cult spreads like wildfire in a dry Forum! Not just Jews and plebs, but now elite Romans? Senator Lucius’ wife skipped the Bacchanalia to pray in a damp cave! What do we do with these Christians?
Senator Maximus: (waving a scroll, olive pit stuck in his beard) Noble Caesar, this Jesus preached love and meekness – pfft! No gladiators, no conquests, just fish graffiti! Even Tribune Gaius sold his villa to feed the poor. The poor! I say we do what Romans do best: toss ‘em to the lions! It’s tradition! What else would we do?
Emperor Decius: (chuckling darkly) Lions, Maximus? Tried that. They kneel, pray, and bore the crowd to tears! No fight, no spectacle! And now elites are joining? Consul Marcellus was caught singing hymns instead of chanting for chariot races! They refuse to sacrifice to our gods, claiming one god rules all. One! What about Mars? Venus? The nerve!
Senator Flavius: (sipping wine, grinning slyly) Oh, Decius, let’s not waste good lions. Why not make it Roman? We’re masters of assimilation! Take their best ideas, slap a toga on ‘em, and call it ours. Their leader, Jesus? Too Jewish. But they’ve got this Roman citizen, Paul – sharp fellow, writes letters, loves order. And that Peter chap, a Jew, but sturdy, fisherman type – we can glorify him as a proper Roman hero. Rename their cult “Religio Romana Christiana.” Turn their “last supper” into a state-sponsored feast with garum and gladiators. Tax the converts for “salvation dues.” Problem solved! What else would we do? We’re Romans – we build roads, aqueducts, and empires!
Emperor Decius: (stroking his chin, intrigued) Paul, eh? A Roman citizen preaching this nonsense? I like it. We’ll make him the poster boy – toga, laurel wreath, the works. And Peter? We’ll say he’s the “Rock of Rome” or some such. Build a temple to him on the Vatican Hill, right over that dingy Christian hideout. Make their cross a symbol of Roman justice – nailed it, literally! But they still won’t sacrifice to me. That’s treason!
Senator Maximus: (clapping, spilling grapes) Brilliant! Paul’s a proper Roman name – sounds like he’d approve a new aqueduct. Peter? Call him Petrus Maximus, patron of fishermen and legionaries! We’ll have priests in togas, not those scruffy cloaks. Their “one god” can be Jupiter’s cousin or something. And if they resist? Lions, flames, or a good old crucifixion. Keeps the plebs entertained!
Senator Flavius: (winking) Exactly. We’ll make it a state religion, but Roman style. Their “love thy neighbor” becomes “pay thy taxes.” Their catacombs? Underground amphitheaters! And those fish symbols? Official legion insignia. Wait a century, and no one’ll remember it started with a Jewish carpenter. What else would we do? Pass the wine – conquest by bureaucracy is thirsty work.
Emperor Decius: (grinning, raising his goblet) By the gods, it’s perfect! We’ll Romanize this Christian nonsense. Paul and Peter as our frontmen, temples everywhere, and a nice cut of the tithes for the treasury. If they don’t comply, we’ll make examples – but make it grand, Roman grand! Announce it at the next games: “Religio Romana Christiana” is born! Jupiter’ll understand… or we’ll bribe him with an extra bull sacrifice.
(The senators raise their goblets, toasting loudly as a faint chant of “Christos” drifts from the streets. Decius smirks, muttering, “Two hundred years dead, and we’ll make him a Roman yet.”)
Finale: The Grand Roman Rebrand
(A few weeks later, in the Colosseum. The crowd roars as Decius stands in the imperial box, flanked by Maximus and Flavius. Below, a massive banner unfurls: “Religio Romana Christiana – Pax et Ordo!” A statue of Paul, toga-clad with a scroll, and Peter, holding a trident like Neptune, is wheeled out to cheers. Priests in pristine togas toss garum-soaked bread to the crowd, calling it “holy rations.”)
Emperor Decius: (booming to the crowd) Romans! Behold your new state faith! Paul, our citizen, spreads Roman virtue! Peter, our rock, guards our harbors! Sacrifice to the divine emperors, pay your salvation tax, and join the eternal empire! Refuse? (points to the lion cages) You know the drill! What else would we do?
Senator Flavius: (whispering to Maximus) Told you. Give it a century, and they’ll think Jupiter invented it. Pass the olives.
Senator Maximus: (grinning) To Rome, and her endless genius for making everything… Roman!
(The crowd chants “Roma! Roma!” as fireworks shaped like fish explode overhead. In the distance, a Christian in the catacombs sighs, “Well, at least the bread’s free now.” Fade out on the eternal city, forever bending the world to its will.)